you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
