have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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