I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
