i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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