Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
