Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
