I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
