God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The uberlube is also flammable
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
where are my eyebrows?
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