so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
