Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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