I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
