I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
