...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
