Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
