so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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