I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
