I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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