Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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