he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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