Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
