Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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