I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
