U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
did i just pee glitter
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
