last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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