Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
