Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
