very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
