Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
