im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
