Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
