I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Randomize
