Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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