my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
