Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
