I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
