Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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