I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
