Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
