Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
