I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Randomize
