I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
