1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
