i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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