she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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