your parents love me but you hate me
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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