Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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