Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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