Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
They took my balls.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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