When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
