already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
