I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
