6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
